I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
