from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
