Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
