You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
