I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
