how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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