dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
