I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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