I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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