I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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