i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you had me at cake vodka
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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