Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
