Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
