He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
