i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
