I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
