Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
