All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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