Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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