3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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