It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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