Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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