He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
