Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
