You don't have asthma, your pregnant
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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