Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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