you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
