my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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