he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it's like iHOP with fire
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
