just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
