So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
