dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They took my balls.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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