She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
