She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
