My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
