i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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