There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
