Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
