btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
