Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
