i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
