she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
