i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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