Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
