Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
