she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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