Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
