I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
