fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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