apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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