I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
