Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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