Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
