I am puke
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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