Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
